Brother
My brother had a birthday party for his daughter Sunday. He gained custody of Shania a couple years ago, because the mother is an addict in active addiction and isn’t able to care for the child. She was basically brought up by her grandmother. Well, Tom was clean and sober and after much thought decided to go for custody. He has done a wonderful job with Shania and it has been beautiful to watch him care for his daughter. He absolutely adores her and she him.
A year ago he moved here to Omaha, and in doing so left his support group in Virginia. It has been real tough on him, because he hasn’t been willing to go to meetings here. He has been in and out of the rooms for ten years, and although his life is immeasurably better than before, he still hasn’t “got it,” whatever that means. He hasn’t been able to get more than 9 months clean at any stretch.
Well, this weekend, the weekend of his daughter’s birthday party, he went out and was a no show at the party. My wife and I basically had to do the party with my mom, who was livid. The other boys and girls were asking, “Where’s your dad?” and Shania would answer what she was told, “He’s at work,” none too happy about it. It was heartbreaking for me. My mom and brother have this weird, co-dependent relationship that hasn’t helped either one of them, and I’m tired of dealing with it. I’m guessing my mom is going to give him one more chance and let him stay with her, which he has been doing on and off for the last ten years. Have I mentioned that he is 40 years old? Insanity.
I love them both, but they really need to let each other go and move on. Of course, that would mean my brother would have to care for Shania by himself, and that won’t work if he’s using at all, even if it’s once a month. So what happens to the little girl?
Sometimes life doesn’t seem fair……
It sounds like you are finally coming to terms with things. I don’t think your mom will kick him out either. I wonder if she will ever realize that she is just as much a part of the problem as Tom himself is. The only one I feel really sorry for, because she didn’t bring any of this on herself, is Shania. Poor little thing.
jenni said this on July 30th, 2002 at 12:06 pm
PS - I love you and am so proud of the fact that you have managed to get clean and stay clean. I know it isn’t easy.
jenni said this on July 30th, 2002 at 12:06 pm
damn. my heart goes out to you. my brother is in recovery, and has had a history of moving in and out of the rooms. we have never been very close, so i haven’t been closely involved with his relapses. anyway, you know and i know that until he is truly ready, there is nothing that you can do to make your brother get clean/sober and stay that way. it does suk.
but, it seems that you can care for your niece and be there for her as your life allows. as long as it doesn’t pull you down, or make your recovery shaky, it would be good for her.
AND, why not go to a meeting and get some experience, strenght and hope from others who have dealt with this? just a suggestion:)
theophany said this on July 30th, 2002 at 8:13 pm
Hi, I couldn’t find your email on your site so I’m posting this here. Thanks for joining the Addicted Bloggers webring! In case you didn’t know, there is a similarly named “Addicted Bloggers” blog for a few of us recovering addicts/alcoholics to post to and share experiences/recovery. We thought you might like to join in on the fun and if so, just lemme know, my email is staff@eyesicle.com
You can find the Addicted Bloggers blog at http://www.astroimage.net/addicts
Trinity said this on July 30th, 2002 at 9:37 pm
My mom and dad finally laid down the law with my brother. He’s no longer allowed to come home. He turns 31 in a few days.
I know it’s hard on them to have to make and keep that decision, but I think they’ve finally seen that giving him a safe haven wasn’t helping him and was only causing them more heartache.
Thankfully, my brother doesn’t have a child.
Calli said this on August 1st, 2002 at 2:42 am