whitesail

I would have seen it coming but I’m blind with age.
Too much time on the battle line.
Shut it all out just let the notes fall slow.

Slow.

What a two month period this has been. Where to begin?

About two months ago, we basically took my niece away from my brother because he’s not able to take care of her right now. The only reason he could take care of her, in any sense of that phrase, is because they were living with my mother and she was basically enabling the whole thing. Long story short, we are taking care of Shania now and my brother is in the Salvation Army ARC indefinitely. Did I mention Shania is six years old?

Since we needed more space, I finished our basement! Never done anything like that before. It was a lot of work and some fun, too. Looks pretty good. I got to the point where I just couldn’t afford to take the time to really make the walls look good….more finishing and sanding was needed, but not enough time.

I did that on my vacation, and right before that, my wife
got hit by some fool who went through a red light and almost totalled her car.

Okay, so I get back from my two week vacation and go back to work. After a week, one of my lovely bosses decides to go ballistic on me about shit that don’t really matter. After two of these sessions, which became quite abusive, I got up, handed him my keys and told him I was leaving. To which this moron tries to get me to sign termination papers. To which I reply, “No, Bob, I’m not quitting and I’m not signing anything. I’m going home.” He obviously has trouble with English and we go back and forth like this for a bit. After I punch out, I turn around and he’s blocking my path. Two times he moves in my path and blocks my exit, and even bumped me with his fat ‘ol belly and even grabbed my arm once. This guy has physically bullied/intimidated people three times before in my workplace and has not even received a slap on the wrist.

Unbelievable, huh? A couple days later, I talked to the store director and ended up quitting. It’s time to move on anyway, and I have some plans in the works. But, I keep going back to that night and wondering, “What the fuck is wrong with this picture, and how does he get away with behavior like that?” Well, that answer is that I’m not done, yet. And that’s all I’m going to say about that for now.

Anyhoo, I’m quite depressed right now. Sometimes I catch myself just zoning out, staring into space and feeling really down. I know that I needed to move on, but I’m scared about getting through this financially. I also seem to be having self-esteem issues….I wonder if I really have it anymore. By it, I mean the ability to do a great job. Why wasn’t I able to move up where I was? That’s never happened before. I’ve always moved up. Not only did I not move up, in five years, but I wasn’t even close. I’m 44 years old. Does anyone want someone my age who’s looking to start over in a different field/career? ‘Cause I’m not going back to grocery. Nope. Done with that line of work.

So, yes I’m depressed right now. Angry at times. Very moody. I look at the world I live in and sometimes I wonder if I have a place in it. It’s so cutt-throat. Look at business and politics. Truth doesn’t matter. Integrity? Tell people how much integrity you have, and then lie your ass off, fuck over the poor people and kill 100,000 Iraqis and get re-elected? Oh, and get re-elected on your morals….Christ what hypocrisy. Like I said, I wonder how a gentle soul like me can get by in this world…..

This ain’t no depression, just notes falling slow.
An early snow and notes falling slow.
Do I have the strength to bear their passion?
An early snow and notes falling slow.