whitesail

In the Farscape episode titled The Way We Weren’t, we are introduced to the pasts of two of our main characters, Aeryn Sun and Pilot. For those uninitiated, Pilot is a pilot of a living ship known as a leviathan. This living ship has a symbiotic relationship with the pilot. The pilot controls the ship, to the degree that the leviathan lets her, and also acts as interface between the ship and the passengers/crew. The ship in Farscape is named Moya, and the pilot is named simply, Pilot.

In this episode, our crew and Pilot finds out that Aeryn was previously aboard Moya when her first pilot was brutally killed. Aeryn was one of the Peacekeepers who killed this first pilot. Our crew previously knew that Aeryn was a PK and that she had undoubtedly done brutal things previous, as that is what PKs do. They are a military police force that are portrayed as the bad guys in the show. Aeryn, however, through a series of incidents ends up estranged from the Peacekeepers and is taken in by our crew. Now trusted and part of their “family,” Aeryn is thrust under suspicion again by having her brutal past shown to her friends.

The one who took this the worst, was Pilot, who tried to kill Aeryn and then shut down the ship, telling her to leave. Aeryn was about to leave, until something happened. Pilot came to grips with what was really bothering him. Pilot tells the story of how he came to be the replacement pilot for Moya, and he comes to grips with the overbearing guilt that came over him from this incident. He finally admits that it is not Aeryn who deserves to die, but Pilot himself who deserves to die. Pilot felt this guilt because he realized that without him, the other pilot would not have been killed. Pilot wanted more than anything to travel amongst the stars in a leviathan, but was denied by his elders as being too young. The Peacekeepers gave him the opportunity to bond to a leviathan and to take his place in space. Pilot’s first reaction was rage at Aeryn, for killing the previous pilot. His first reaction was also a way to avoid looking at himself for his part in this tragedy. He projected his guilt onto someone handy. In this case, the scapegoat was Aeryn.

AA teaches me that when I am upset, the problem lies within me. Many times I have been upset with my wife or with friend about something they did, and in the end, realized that I was not upset with them at all. I had a part to play in whatever incident there was and I was merely avoiding my responsibility. Rather than look at my part, it is so easy to blame everyone else, particularly as in a case similar to our story where Aeryn clearly did do something evil. If my wife doesn’t pay my son enough attention, she is clearly in the wrong. But when I respond so critically, without understanding, that is usually a sign that I’m feeling guilty of the same “crime.” Or it can be a simple avoidance of something embarrassing or unpleasant. When someone scares us, sometimes we snap at that person. They didn’t mean to scare me, but I was embarrassed and attack to shift the focus from what I’m embarrassed about. Maybe I’m upset that my spouse is showing someone else more attention that I think they should be getting. My first reaction is anger at her. But what is really the story? The fact that if I paid her the attention she deserves, that she would not need to look elsewhere? Hmmmmmmmmm.

When we come to grips with the past and with our part in it, we can move on. Blaming the other never works. Blame is always past tense. Always. Responsibility is always present. Where do I wish to be today?